Being a Teenager and Socializing with Auditory Processing Disorder - It's Very Difficult!

How is it that I can send my sweet girl of 13 over to a teen night at a friend's house full of happiness and hope and feeling good about herself only to pick her up in tears.  This auditory processing disorder keeps making her social life so hard!

She has never handled group socializing very well because she simply cannot keep up with the quick processing needed to talk in a group.  She can't "jump in" because she can't even decipher half the time what she is jumping into and by the time she does, the moment has passed and it is too late.

The last time, she came home telling me how a nice boy (the host of the party) told her she could get a drink.  She said no thank you and was processing what to say to "keep the conversation going" (we've been working on conversational strategies), but she said he turned and walked away before she could get the words out of her mouth.

Another group problem for her with auditory processing disorder is the sheer noise of too many people talking at once.  She says that she cannot even hear her own voice well and doesn't want to shout (shouting to her feels aggressive and she can't stand the sound of it when others do it and so certainly doesn't want to do it herself) but she thinks maybe people don't hear her because when she says hello or tries to speak to someone, she said they often ignore her like she's not even there.

So I keep scouring the internet for advice but always come up empty-handed.  Her and I can practice good social skills all we want, but others do not follow the same plan and so it just doesn't work.  Teenagers do not socialize according to proper manners or etiquette.  Teenagers do not take on the responsibility of making sure everyone is included or wait for someone to process a response - they move on quickly to the next excitement beckoning them.  This is normal for teenagerdome - and really most of human interactions in general.

So the teenager that cannot process auditory input or output quickly, who cannot decipher words among a cacophony of talking, and who already feels like all this auditory is difficult and stressful enough already...........well, that teenager has to find an alternative plan.  We're working on it!

click here to see the blog post at adpwarrior17 from which this quote was taken

*** I'm sure Hailey would love to hear how other teenagers with auditory processing disorder (or adults who have lived through it) are coping socially in their lives.  So if you have a story to share or some helpful advice or even just the pep talk of "It get's better", please share.

Super Ears - When Your Child with APD Can Hear Whispers From Across the Room

We jokingly say that our sweet Hailey has super ears.  With her particular aspects of auditory processing disorder, she can hear sounds far away as if they were close by.  Due to this ability, we cannot whisper anything and expect her not to hear it.

When she was just a little toddler, I remember having her sitting in the grocery cart in front of me while I strolled down the aisles.  Suddenly she would start nervously repeating "Baby! Baby! Baby!" and sucking her fingers and rubbing her "nonny" (her little blanket she carried around for comfort).  This was my sign that she was in distress and she was telling me why: some baby somewhere was crying.  So I would stop and listen and sure enough, somewhere in the distance, across the store, there was just the faintest sound of some infant crying.  It was uncanny how she could do this over and over again.

Now that our sweet Hailey is 12 years old, we forget sometimes that she can do this amazing hearing thing and we'll whisper something in an adjoining room to where she is. Of course, like most parents, we think we are speaking "privately" by doing this, but sure enough when we walk in the room with our girl, she asks a question or makes a comment that reminds us that she hears us, even when we think she does not.

Of course, with Hailey's auditory processing disorder, she hasn't always processed what she heard us whisper correctly and then we are left with either having to explain everything or say, "Sweetie, we didn't mean for you to hear that and we'd rather not talk about it with you."  To which comment she sighs, understanding and yet feeling left out.  (Then I worry that I need to talk to her because I have no idea what she thinks she heard.)

Does APD affect you or your child in this way?  Do you or he/she have super ears?

Lindsey Wagner from the 1970's television show "The Bionic Woman" (in the show her character had a bionic ear and could hear sounds from extremely far away).

Processing Conversations with Auditory Processing Disorder: You Don't Always Understand

A few days ago I posted on Facebook a quote from a young woman* with auditory processing disorder.  She described how she understands maybe only a few words in a conversation and uses body language and context to try to figure out what the other person is saying.  Well, I knew my daughter did this to some extent, but I hadn't really been paying as close attention to this in a long time.  

At home, in an ideal environment with people she is very familiar with, my Hailey actually does very well at understanding most things; her only real difficulties at home seem to be in watching television as she often misses the conversations there.  That really isn't a problem though as we just pause the tv (we use a dvr and it is wonderful for this reason) and help her understand if she wants the help.  Of course most of the time she is content to just half-understand the words spoken, because let's face it, television is not usually very complex and is highly visual.

So we were going along in our nice little world of home without thinking too much of the real difficulties Hailey has with understanding what people say.  Socially, she has friends and the group aspect of conversations still make it too difficult to follow a conversation, so she just follows along at the edges of the group.  With her close friends, she has one-on-one conversations and that works well. We knew this and felt okay with it all.  However, with the information from the young woman that I posted on my Facebook page, I started paying more attention to where maybe her lack of understanding is causing her real problems.

As many of you know, Hailey ice skates.  She is also in a theater on ice class, which she really enjoys.  Mostly, she just has to follow along with what the others are doing and takes in her input visually.  Yes, she has to follow the music to stay on beat, but luckily she does not have the prosodic form of APD and so can hear the beat of the music well enough.  Well, her troupe is starting to learn a new program and her coach has decided to allow each skater some more individual input.  With this is mind, her coach took her aside to talk to her about what character she would like to be in the upcoming program; her coach has become aware that Hailey does not comprehend well in the group setting and so kindly spoke to her privately, making eye contact.

Hailey didn't want to make eye contact, kept shrugging her shoulders, and desperately wanted me to speak for her.  I tried to help without interfering and tried to encourage her to speak for herself; she is 12 years old and can handle these things. She did okay, but it was clear that she doesn't understand as much as I would have thought.  Later in the car, alone with me, she said some things to me about the conversation she had with her coach and she got quite a few things very wrong; she thought she heard things that were never said.

So even though her coach spoke to her one-on-one and she had me there to help, Hailey still didn't process it all.  The surrounding factors, I believe, were:

• she was already worn out from a full day of skating and socializing to her ability in a group;
• her coach has an accent;
• she is somewhat intimidated by her coach even though she really likes her a lot - she sees her coach as someone with a lot of authority and also as someone she wants to please and yet doesn't always understand; 
• and she is afraid that she might choose the wrong character in this particular scenario and end up in a situation that is too hard for her. (Talk about anxiety!)

All of this just helps me to realize that my sweet Hailey works really hard to make sense of what she does hear and unfortunately, she still misunderstands quite a bit if not in an ideal situation with a familiar context.  Being homeschoolers, I forget how much this is a problem because she is in an ideal environment most of the time and she is very familiar with our speaking styles and not at all intimidated by us. 



*Kendra Ross: "I have been called a liar by teachers, students.... I understand that APD is so hard to deal with and not understanding what someone is saying to you; the best thing I do that helps me when someone is talking to me and I have no idea what they are saying is reading their body language. If that doesn't work even if I don't understand what someone is saying, I use whatever words I do hear, and replay that back to them. Like today this one girl in my class was telling me about what she is going to do for her video, and it was a long hallway, she slurred. I had no clue what she was talking about until i got these words "needed.........talk.......teacher". Even though it was just 3 words, I got that she needed to talk to our video teacher about what she is going to do for her final. Then I wished her good luck. Now if I'm having a bad day, then I will just nod at the appropriate times until the conversation is over. Which happens, but it's best to try and understand the situation, even if it only 1 piece of info. It is key to have your [children] develop the skill of understanding a situation even just on body language. And the most important skill is understanding the situation and filling in the blanks. Hope this helps."

We Need to Educate ALL Children About Learning Disabilities and Other Differences

Girl 1:  "Jimmy chews erasers at school, ewwweee."

Adult:  "Really?"

Girl 1:  "Yeah, he's the weird kid in the corner."

Girl 2:  "He has a quiet corner away from everyone else.  And he wears big headphones."

Girl 1:  "He also has a special blanket and mat thingy.  He's really weird."

Adult:  "Do the other kids play with him?"

Girl 1: "No......(she becomes lost in thought).....There is this one girl in school who is a real bully."

And then the topic went on to bullying.  This conversation I had with some school age girls I know was enlightening for me.  I realized that my daughter could have been "the weird kid in the corner" had she went to elementary school.  Certainly at ages five to seven, she got stressed easily, needed sensory input, liked to chew on things - even non-edible things, would have needed noise cancelling headphones, and probably would have spaced out a lot.  It broke my heart really.

So, me being me, I let them tell me about the bully at their school and we discussed why people bully and what they can do about it.  Then we segued back to the boy in the corner.  We talked about how he might be feeling stressed and needed the headphones, blanket, and mat to help him feel better. My daughter told them about her headphones and briefly about her Auditory Processing Disorder and Dyslexia.

Hopefully it helped.  I think it did to some extent, however I am sure they are not going to rush over and befriend the "weird boy in the corner" anytime soon.  Maybe though, they will at least have some compassion for him and stick up for him sometime.

-------------------------------------------

We need to educate all children about learning disabilities and disorders.  There is a real need for books for kids about processing disorders and learning disabilities.  Other children need to understand that kids aren't "weird" to annoy them or be made fun of or take the teacher's attention inordinately.  What a difference it would make for all the children!

Loraine Alderman and Yvonne Capitelli wrote a book for children about a child with Auditory Processing Disorder.  It is the first book about APD written for children and I hope it helps many children understand this disorder/learning disability better. Here is a link to the book if you are interested: I Get It!  I Get It! How John Figures It Out

(I've also added an Amazon widget on the right sidebar with some books about children with learning disabilities or other disabilities/differences.)

No Mean Girls Here! My Daughter's Successful Party

The party began with nine girls sitting around the kitchen table, cutting fondant with cookie cutters, painting with colored frosting, and designing their own personality onto cupcakes as their moms chatted quietly standing around the edges.

This was the first party my daughter had thrown in over three years.  She invited many of her homeschooled friends that live in this area.  Luckily, almost all of them were able to make it to the party.  Some of them knew each other, but none of them except my daughter knew all of them - although a few she didn’t know very well.

The girls were all engaged in their work and seemed content, but would they connect with each other?   Would they enjoy each other’s company? 

As the party continued, the moms sauntered into the living room or out into the backyard.  Some moms stayed in the kitchen to help themselves to cupcake designing while the girls moved on to other projects. (Some moms were quite talented at it too!) Mostly, the moms tried to stay out of the girls’ way so they could mingle and connect in their own ways.

Some girls danced to the Xbox Kinect game in the living room; some chose to sing karaoke in my daughter’s bedroom; and some went to jump on the trampoline in the backyard.  At first I was worried these groups would become static and the girls would not move outside of their social comfort zones, but I need not have worried.  Soon the girls were moving among the groups and getting to know each other more.

It was a success!  My sweet girl, who just a little over a year ago felt she had so very few friends, threw a party and everyone seemed to enjoy it.  Her friends all got along with each other, were kind and engaging, and my daughter felt the joy of being with a group of friendly girls.

(My daughter suggested the title "No Mean Girls Here" because she wanted to reference the difference between this group of friends and the one she had almost three years ago where they ended up being unkind to her.)

What is Your Face Expressing? Teaching Body Language Awareness

Have you ever thought about how the expression on your face influences how other people react to you? 

I’ve been watching my daughter in different situations and it dawned on me that when she is feeling uncomfortable or nervous, such as in a group situation or meeting someone new, she looks down and has an almost frown/almost grimace on.  I’ve asked what she is feeling when she looks like that and she said she’s a little nervous, but that’s it.  If I were not someone who knew my daughter well, I’d assume from the look on her face that she was grumpy.

My daughter has always been extremely good at reading facial expressions and so I just assumed she was aware of her own.  This incident made me realize that the two skills are not the same.  So very carefully, I initiated a discussion about facial expressions.  We played with different ones and said what we thought as observers of these expressions.  Together we decided that a grumpy looking face is not one that we would feel very comfortable going up to and starting a conversation with.  In fact, we’d probably avoid that person.

Now my sweet daughter who tends to get a little nervous is trying to remember to look up and smile when she is around new people or in a group.  Of course, she still puts on the grumpy face sometimes because it is hard to not do what one is so conditioned to doing.  It takes a lot of courage to smile and look up when you are feeling like maybe you’d rather just hide.  But the reality is she doesn’t want to hide; she wants to socialize, she’s just a little nervous.

Have you realized how your facial expressions affect those around you and influence how they treat you?  How did you learn to make yourself aware of what you were expressing and if it was what you wanted to be expressing?

Social Skills and Auditory Processing Disorder: Dealing with Non-Stop Talkers

Lately I’ve noticed that my daughter with auditory processing disorder does not like to hang out with people who talk non-stop. When I asked her why she doesn’t enjoy the company of certain people, she explained that she feels it takes too much energy to have to listen to all that talk and never get to talk in return.

So not knowing the answers and wanting to understand my daughter, I took some time to notice how it feels and what I do when I encounter people who talk non-stop.  These are the people who talk a lot, talk fast and usually talk loud.  They are the ones who tend to monopolize a conversation and honestly I don’t think they do it to be unkind in any way; in fact, I think for some people, it might be a way they deal with their need to control a conversation.

I realized that what one has to do in the situation of trying to converse with someone who talks non-stop, is to jump in on the conversation when you notice a pause.  Moreover, if you want to talk about a certain subject that has been brought up, you have to do this before the speaker moves on to another topic.  Of course this all happens in fractions of seconds really, because you have to push your way in by speaking up quickly and loudly when the speaker takes the most miniscule of pauses that was probably just to take a breath.  Personally, I don’t enjoy that kind of conversation, but I have learned to deal with it; I’ve learned the skills necessary to manage that interaction.

Then I had to think about how a person with auditory processing disorder would manage that interaction.  Can my daughter process what is being said and what she wants to say quick enough to jump in to the tiniest of pauses and make it flow relevantly?  If I find that difficult and tiring, how much more difficult and tiring is it for her?

Understandably, my daughter feels forever relegated to the realm of listener in those situations.  She cannot process auditory input or output at a speed to be able to force a mutual conversation with a non-stop talker.  Like probably all human beings, she needs to feel that her relationships and conversations are mutually respectful.  For her, this means she needs her conversation partners to take a pause sometimes, to ask for her input, and to give her the space she needs to speak and feel heard.

Coping Strategies For Auditory Processing Disorder in Everyday Life

I promised to write a post about coping strategies for Auditory Processing Disorder in terms of just living everyday life.  This is something we have come to over time and developed and changed according to Hailey’s needs at each stage of her life.  Some we learned from therapists, some from experimentation, and some from the helpful advice of other people dealing with APD in their lives or that of their child’s. 

As an almost twelve year old girl, here are some strategies she employs today:

1. She had to learn to not compare herself to children who do not have learning disabilities and to realize that she is incredibly smart and capable to be able to learn all that she does and do as great as she does even with her APD.
2. She had to learn how to manage her day to not be too overwhelmed: not too much socializing or too much having to listen to things. She takes quiet breaks and alone time as needed.
3. She had to learn destressing techniques that help her such as chewing gum (it relaxes her), or smelling something beautiful (she really likes lavender and has some oil she can place on anything to carry around and smell as desired).
4. She focuses on spending one on one time with friends so that she can manage the conversations and feel comfortable and confident.
5. When she has to be in a group of friends, she tries to focus on one kid if possible, and if it is too overwhelming, she finds a way to leave the group without appearing rude. (This is a new one for her and not always easy, but she is trying.)
6. We do math in small increments so as not to be overwhelming, use visuals, and I do not talk too much (We homeschool).
7. We watch documentaries and do hands on learning for a lot of science and social studies.
8. My daughter loves graphic novels/manga books and this has greatly advanced her reading confidence, skills, and she feels like it is a typical pre-teen/teenage girl thing to do as the topics are geared towards that age group.
9. She found an activity that does not require processing auditory input so much and she has a level field with the other kids. This helps her to feel "normal". (It is figure skating for her.)

As a young child, we the parents had to employs strategies to help her cope with her days.  We had to regulate her activity level, environment, and stress levels.   Here are some strategies we used then:

1. We scheduled her day to have auditory breaks where she did not have to listen.
2. We used a sensory diet throughout her day to manage her stress levels; when overwhelmed she would check out from reality and sit in a dazed like state or have major meltdowns.
3. When we had to go to a noisy environment, we used noise reducing headphones, made sure to massage her legs or arms to keep her focused, and protected her from the demands of others. (For example, when the lady at the checkout wanted to ask her questions and she just could not process them, we would answer for her while smiling at her, rubbing her legs, and reassuring her as she got extremely anxious when people spoke to her.)
4. We used picture cards, eye contact, and small phrases only to communicate with her so she would know what we were talking about.(She also required a physical touch to make sure she was aware we were talking to her.)
5. We planned for transitions (going from one activity or environment to the next) by interacting with her at her level, using picture cards, doing sensory diet activities to help her deal with her anxiety, and making sure we brought whatever she needed to bring with her to help her remain calm. (She had a special blanket that we put scents on that she carried everywhere.  We also had chewy toys and strong tasting mints or candies (a sensory calming strategy for her) to give to her as needed.)
6. When it came to academics (or just learning things like language when she was very young), we limited her time to just what she could handle; we used a lot of visuals and kinesthetics to help her understand; we made sure to give her a long amount of time to actually process what she learned; and we repeated things as often as necessary until she got them.
7.  In social situations, we always stayed with her to provide support as needed, and we gave her tools to help her navigate them.  For example, she needed to have the practiced phrase, “Hello, My name is Hailey.  What is your name?” at first.  We also taught her other stock phrases that helped her tremendously like “Do you want to play with me?” and “I like your ______”. (As she got older, we were able to communicate with her how to go with the flow more in socializing and as her receptive and expressive speech skills grew, she was able to not have to use stock phrases anymore.)
8. We made sure all our family and friends were aware of her needs and did not place expectations on her that would create anxiety for her. (This was not readily accepted, but over time it was.)
9. We worked with specialists such as a speech and language therapist, an occupational therapist, an audiologist who specializes in auditory processing disorder, and a special education preschool to implement therapies to help her.

As I read about the experiences of teenagers and young adults, I know that she will have to learn and incorporate more strategies as well as alter the ones she has now to fit new situations.  So as new situations and environments arise, we'll do research, ask others for advice, and do what we can.

Camp Update: Bravely Being Herself Despite Being Shunned by the "Popular Girls"

I posted a couple posts back about our daughter Hailey going to camp with auditory processing disorder.  She was extremely excited to go to camp and looked forward to making new friends and having fun with a group of girls her age.

Well, I had to pick her up early three days into camp.  She called me crying about the miserable time she was having and despite the counselors trying to tell me to just leave her there and she'd "probably" end up having fun "eventually", I drove over and got her.  What can I say, I'm an attachment parent and trust is a highly valued commodity in our home.  (Later Hailey told me how the other girls were telling her that no parents ever come to pick their kids up early.  Hailey told them, "My mom will."  I'm really, really glad that I did.)

So to make a longish story shortish, Brooke, the girl I had left Hailey talking to at camp that first day, had decided to befriend another girl at camp and left Hailey in the dust.  Once she found the other girl, she wouldn't even speak to Hailey anymore.  So Hailey did her best to try to make other friends.  Unfortunately, Hailey said she would be doing well talking with a girl and then the girl would go find someone else.

Typical to preteen girls, there was a "popular group" formed in the cabin and you guessed it, Hailey was left out.  According to Hailey, Brooke was the perceived leader of the group and she made rules about who could be in and who could not.  The first rule was that no girls with cell phones could be in the group. (The cabin of 20 girls had only 3 that brought cell phones.  Hailey had a cell phone.)

Some of the girls made fun at the way Hailey mispoke some words and when Hailey had to go to the bathroom, no one would be her buddy.  They weren't allowed to go alone.  When Hailey asked the counselor, she was told to just ask another girl and so eventually Hailey found a group going and just snuck in with them. (My smart girl was certainly resourceful.)

Apparently, Hailey also told the girls about homeschooling and having two moms and eating a gluten-free diet.    My first thought was how I might as well have put a "kick me" sign on her back, but these are the facts to her life and I am really proud that she isn't afraid to share them.

So with all that was happening socially to Hailey, one would venture to guess that she shriveled up like a victim.  Well, I am happy to say that she did not!  In fact, when it came time to sing karaoke, Hailey volunteered and got up in front of everyone to sing.  (Now that is what I call brave!)  Hailey kept trying to talk to girls and befriend them.  She did her best to enjoy the activities: horseback riding being her favorite.  But, eventually, it did wear on her.

When her counselors neglected to tell her about the bike tour she signed up for and she missed it, Hailey finally decided that she had enough.  She was the only one in her cabin that had paid the extra money and signed up for the tour and so, apparently, the counselors just left it off their radar.  Hailey loves to ride bikes and she was especially looking forward to this part of camp.  It was just too much disappointment.

After coming home and destressing for a bit, Hailey took out a paper plate that had words written all over it.  It was an activity where the girls were told to write something nice about each girl on the plate that was passed around for them.  Hailey had the expected "your pretty" and "I like your hair" type comments, but she also had two that really stuck out to me.  "I like how she isn't scared to be herself." and "youd stand for who you are".  Hailey and I discussed how special and wonderful these comments are.  I think it really made her feel good to realize that she may not have been allowed in the "popular group" and some girls may have made fun of her for her auditory processing and speech problems, but she had something remarkably better: she was brave, she was proud, and she was herself.  Not only that, but at least two other girls took notice and perhaps they will feel safe enough some day to be theirselves - no matter what the "popular girls" say.


-originally written July 22, 2011 in my personal blog

Our Brave Daughter: Auditory Processing Disorder Doesn't Stop Her From Jumping Into Social Situations

If you've been following my blog or are at all familiar with my family, you know that our daughter has Auditory Processing Disorder.  In simple terminology,"People with APD intermittently experience an inability to process verbal information. When people with APD have a processing failure, they do not process what is being said to them. There are also many other hidden implications, which are not always apparent even to the person with the disability. For example, because people with APD are used to guessing to fill in the processing gaps, they may not even be aware that they have misunderstood something." (Wikipedia)

So today I dropped our daughter Hailey off at summer camp.  It is a one week girls' overnight camp with a variety of activities including horse back riding and bike riding, which are the two things Hailey is most looking forward to, other than meeting new friends.

Once Hailey got settled into her cabin, one of her cabin mates came over to say hello.  Her name was Brooke and she was a darling red-headed 11 year old with a very cute asymmetrical hair cut.  Over in the corner, her mother was prompting her with hand signals and mouthing the words "Go ahead".  In turn, I turned Hailey around to be looking at Brooke; she had been facing the other way and hadn't realized Brooke was talking to her.  The two girls started making introductions and Brooke's mom quickly waved good bye while exiting the building.

Being the mom that I am, I stepped back a few feet from the girls and tried to inconspicuously watch the conversation that ensued.  Brooke was telling Hailey all about her knowledge of the camp as this was her third summer.  She was also expressing her hope that the theme this year will be Harry Potter as Brooke is a huge Harry Potter fan.  I could tell that Hailey was getting most of what Brooke was saying, but she wasn't catching all of it.  You see, Hailey has a "tell" when she is having difficulty processing what is being said; she repeats the last few words she heard.  This serves double duty as it makes it appear as if Hailey is understanding what is being said, while it slows down the speaker from moving too quickly onto the next sentence.

When I saw Hailey's "tell", my Momma's instincts made me want to jump in and rescue her.  I wanted to get into the conversation and control the flow so that I could ensure Hailey was processing all of it.  However, I am wise enough to know that this would do way more harm than good to Hailey.  Hailey is ten, and a ten year old girl does not want her mother jumping into her conversations.  I am sure this would not do well for her socially. So as hard as it was for me to watch her struggle, I knew I must let her work this on her own.

So like Brooke's mom before me, I took my cue to leave the girls to their own and quickly said my good-byes.  While I walked away, I realized just how immensely proud I am of our daughter.  Despite the difficulties her auditory processing disorder causes her, she bravely jumps right into social situations. She's learned coping techniques, and she doesn't let APD stop her from doing everything and anything she wants.


- originally written July 17, 2011 in my personal blog